I have ignored the world’s obsession with zombies for decades. Basically, because Zombies give me the creeps. With the recently weird upsurge of real-life face eating humans, funny zombie movies and hit living dead series, the inevitable happened and zombies infiltrated my household one stormy Saturday afternoon.
Every blue moon the hubby picks up a random series and watches it episode after episode until he passes out. This particular boring Saturday, he discovered “The Walking Dead” and dragged me along with him into a nightmare of flesh, ooze and pure yucky. Not surprisingly, I was hooked and after six back to back internet episodes I had honed my irrational zombie fear to a nice shiny point. For the next few days I couldn’t stop thinking about zombies.
When my daughter walked slowly down the stairs early the next morning, mass of dangling hair covering her face, I knew she had been turned in the night. I nearly decapitated her with a couch cushion before I realized she was still a normal teenager. Sorry about that honey! Sunday night I dreamed of zombies and thought my husband was trying to eat my face when he planted a slumber induced kiss on my forehead. Ever get clobbered by a zombie escaping wife while you sleep? Not fun.
It’s silly really. As a writer of the macabre I should have no fear of the farfetched. Heck, if I can raise our crazy children, I can certainly defeat body munching zombie’s right? Of course! Perhaps? Hmm … maybe? Could I survive a real life Zombie Apocalypse? I asked my close friend Google what he thought and I was graciously guided to a Zombie Apocalypse Survival Quiz. I was confident that I could take out any rotting, undead leg limper easily until I read the first question: How would you rate your physical condition? Seriously, is premium athleticism truly a requirement? Can’t I just whack them on the head with bricks thrown from high places? The second question was: Do you have any vices or addictions? Err …I thought of that “little” glass of wine I enjoy a few nights a week and realized immediately that in case of a real Zombie Apocalypse, we MUST find shelter in a winery or at worse a liquor store. Let me be honest, I would need a lot more wine with zombie’s running around. The third question was just weird: How good are you in the kitchen? What in Uncle Bob’s trousers does that have to do with a Zombie Apocalypse? The extensive questions were totally ridiculous yet somehow I knew they had meaning. Here are a few more of my favorite questions accompanied by my answers:
- Do you know how to start a fire to cook with? Of course I do. Just take some matches or a lighter and set some wood to light. Duh!
- Do you have any weapons or blunt objects in your home? Hmm … do couch cushions count?
- How good are you at navigating and finding your way around? Um dude, in a Zombie flippin’ Apocalypse just drive AWAY from the zombies!
- Do you own a gun? Uh oh … we’re in trouble.
This question was the real brain twister:
- From your hiding spot, you see zombies surrounding an overturned car. People are screaming in terror from inside the car. There are a dozen zombies, maybe more. What do you do? I couldn’t answer this question in the space allotted me, just know that I DID have a plan. It involved sacrificing my brother-in-law, but it was a plan!
After a million questions it was time to get my score so I nervously hit the ‘Will You Survive?’ button. I was rewarded with a 56.6 percent chance of survival. I have half a chance, YIPPIE! However, I vowed to improve my odds. First, I found the location of the nearest vineyard. I’d tell you but there’s not enough room for all of us there — sorry. Secondly, I tried to pick up a few Uzi’s to fill the hole in our weapons and blunt objects department but that fell through so I nabbed some second hand golf clubs instead. I figure with the world nearly empty, the courses would be too. We could golf AND slay zombies. Dual purpose weapon — SCORE! Finally, I filled our trunk with matches and lighter fluid, just in case. All in all, I’m fairly certain that I would indeed survive a Zombie Apocalypse. Sure, I should get to the gym more than once a year and I may have to sacrifice a few loved ones, but with fast feet, plenty of golf clubs and an abundance of wine, my survival is guaranteed.
Do you know you’re Zombie Survival score? NO? Until you do, perhaps you should take up marathon running, stock up on canned foods and get a set of golf clubs!